Transgender people exist

I’m writing my blog because of experiences in my earlier days of parenting my transgender child. When she first came out, I felt it was my job to explain who she was as a transgender person. Some people didn’t understand that being transgender is a real thing. It was difficult to seek understanding at the time from the general community.

I recently went to hear a transgender comic speak about her story. She said that she wanted to write comics for her transgender friends that they would enjoy. Her goal is not to educate about her transgender journey.  So much of what I want to change in this world is that no transgender person should have to justify their existence to anyone. People should allow people to be themselves and not grill them on their gender identity.

Transgender people have existed throughout history.  Just because you didn’t know about this doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. There are many things I don’t know about because I personally didn’t go through them.  I can educate myself about these topics by reading up on them or speaking with others. I don’t have to put others into an uncomfortable situation by having to represent their identity to me in any way.  Its not their job to educate me.  That’s my responsibility.

Whether your child gets your love and support for being transgender doesn’t change the fact that they are transgender. You might as well support them in this area as you would in any other area. In example, your child tells you that their tooth hurts. You don’t tell them to get over this or pretend like it isn’t happening. You support them and take them to the dentist. Yet, parents think that being transgender is different. This issue doesn’t just go away because you are uncomfortable with having a child that doesn’t conform to your gender expectations.  Your child is who they are whether or not you support them. It’s not my daughter’s responsibility to justify or explain her existence to anyone. It’s not her job to explain her journey, answer inappropriate questions about her genitalia or ask her about when she’ll have gender reassignment surgery.  It’s her private journey that she may want to share with close friends as she grows up. But, it’s not information for public consumption.

All of this is currently the case for transgender people.  It’s not appropriate to ask anyone about having gender confirmation surgery. It’s not appropriate to ask a black person to teach you about what it’s like being in a racial minority. It’s not appropriate to comment on a black person and say that they don’t believe that they’ve been subject to racist comments or prejudiced experiences. All of this comes from the privilege of being in the majority.

There are a lot of expectations made of transgender people to justify and explain their existence. Why is that? How can we change that? Why is it that doctors and the medical community are still expecting this of transgender patients? Why are they not educating themselves to understand their patient’s experience? It’s not the patient’s responsibility to explain to their doctor about who they are and how this has affected their life.  Its the doctor’s responsibility to educate themselves.

Can you imagine the patient coming into the office having to explain in detail about their experience of having cancer, how it affects them in the office, and what the doctor should do. Doctors should know how to treat a cancer patient or a transgender patient. And, if they don’t know, they can educate themselves so this responsibility doesn’t fall on the patient.

I’m sharing what it’s like to be a mother of a transgender child and how this impacts us.  Some people think that I have control over my child’s gender and that I shouldn’t allow my child to be herself. I am not able to dictate which gender she is just like I can’t force her to wash her hands when they are dirty. Gender is innate to a person and I certainly don’t have control over this.

Genes will decide if someone has light skin, dark hair, medium height, curly hair, etc.. Gender and personality is how someone is born. I certainly don’t have that power.  I feel lucky to have such wonderful children. I only want them to grow up to be good people with empathy for others but I can’t control that either. I can offer them experiences that show them who they can be.  Ultimately, I have no ability to make them choose good over evil. They are people who will make their own decisions in life. I hope they choose to treat others kindly and that life will be kind to them.

The medical community is getting better about these issues but there is a lot more that needs to be done to support families with transgender family members. I hope that more institutions are able to train their staff about this important minority and how they can be more supportive.  Everybody should have a right to good medical care. This needs to include respect and discretion about their identity. This could mean a difference between life and death.  This information is so important and vulnerable. If staff isn’t aware of the sensitivity needed, someone can get hurt on their property and they will be held responsible. Discretion and sensitivity is vital, not a luxury.