Gender expression, not identity

Gender identity is a person’s deep-seated, felt sense of gender, or how a person feels on the inside, regardless of what their body looks like. Cisgender is when gender identity matches sex assigned at birth. (i.e. A boy grows up to be a man.) This is not a slur. Transgender means when gender identity doesn’t match sex assigned at birth. (I.E. a boy grows up and realizes she is really a girl inside her head and her heart.)

Gender expression is the way people show their gender which can include hairstyle, clothing choices/style, makeup, tattoos, piercings, facial and body hair, walking gait and vocal pitch.  Gender non conforming refers to people whose gender expression does not conform with cultural norms of sex assigned at birth. Gender non-conforming is not the same as LGBT+.

I recently read a comic strip written by a transgender woman. It made me think about a lot of my assumptions as a parent. I read the comic linked below and my thoughts are still percolating about my own understanding as a cisgender woman. I have a lot to learn from Privileged Voices. I’m listening.

Gender expression is not the same as gender identity but I have a lot of unconscious biases from society. I think about my child’s journey and how it has affected me. As she grew up she liked cars and trains which are typical “boy toys”. She asked me to wear makeup once.  She liked wearing my heels when she was a little child. Then, when she told me that she was a girl inside, I thought that explains the gender non conforming behavior I saw in her. Until then, I thought that she was a boy on the LGBT spectrum.

However, there’s a different way to think about this and I’m learning as I go. Let’s say I had a little boy and he liked wearing makeup and walking around the house in my heels. Let’s think about this little boy who grew up to be a man who liked wearing makeup and looking pretty. The fact that he likes makeup and heels doesn’t mean that he’s a woman. Even if he likes to wear dresses and skirts, he is still a man, according to his gender identity.

I think about actor Billy Porter. There is a picture of him wearing a beautiful black gown to the Oscars. Part of this is his gender expression, the dress he wore and the other part is his gender identity of male. He is clearly a man who loves to dress up and for him that means this beautiful black ball gown.  Another famous actor, Dan Levy from Schitt’s Creek, is also on my list of men with gender non conforming expression. Levy’s character, David Rose, wears a black Thom Browne skirt suit to his own wedding in the finale of Schitt’s Creek. He pulls this off looking masculine and handsome.

There are men who like to dress up by wearing dresses, skirts, makeup and high heels. This is reality in certain cultures. When I think of Scottish men and their kilts, I have no question about their masculinity. The kilts are here to stay along with their hairy legs. Traditional Indian attire looks more feminine than typical American culture but the men are not questioned about their masculinity because of their gender expression.  Another example of gender non conforming behavior is when you look at some conservative communities. In their culture the women have to wear skirts and dresses or its considered gender non conforming.

The comic strip concludes by saying that “unless a child SAYS that they identify as another gender than the one they were assigned at birth, there’s no actual sign.” As a parent of a transgender child, I felt that I should have known that she was a girl. However, all those “signs” are not really signs of gender identity but of gender expression. They are signs of what that child likes to look like or likes to play with but not who they are. My daughter could have just as likely been a boy who likes gender non conforming expression. But, she told me that she was a girl. Believe your kid. Don’t worry about “How do they know?” or “Is this really true?”  Just follow their lead and time will tell. They are the ones who know themselves the best. Listen to your kids.