Parenting a transgender child

Having a transgender child is hard and not because of my child.  It’s all the judgment of others that makes things difficult.  I’ve been having a tough time knowing what to write recently because is hard to have a child who doesn’t agree with her sex assigned at birth.  When my daughter was little, I thought she was a boy.  Yet, as she grew up, she told me that she felt like a girl inside.  I sat with this information for a while and spoke with professionals and other parents.  I thought that this explained a lot and that once she’s herself, all problems will be gone.  Some of that is true but issues didn’t just go away.  I wish it was as easy as that.  However, if I didn’t let her socially transition, today would be much worse in terms of her mental health.  Her mental health would have been in jeopardy if we didn’t support who she is.

We had family, neighbors, friends and some professionals tell us that we were doing something wrong.  

• We were told to send her to conversion therapy 
• We could stop her from being herself by not allowing her to socially transition
• We could no longer have a playdate with a friend because that friend was upset that she was transgender.
• A family member came to our house trying to convince us that she’s really a boy.
• One friend told me that my daughter wanted to be a girl to please me.  
• A neighbor said that “he” should stop wearing a dress.  
• A doctor left me a voice message about not allowing “him” to wear girl clothes or play with girl toys.  
• I had a family member tell me that he wasn’t okay with her being a girl.
• A family member ignored my in depth explanation about what transgender meant.
• A woman asked me if this was “his” idea or mine. 
• Another family member told me that they asked their pediatrician if it was okay to tell their children.
• I left a pediatrician who wasn’t supportive.  
• Another doctor told me that she was supportive but she refused to help us legally advocate for her.  
• A friend told me that she’s not judgmental but that her husband won’t allow her son to play with dolls or dress up.  
• Another child laughed at my daughter because she was wearing a dress.  
• A teacher of my daughter called her a boy for about two years.
• Child protective services was called on us because of gender

All of this is horrible but my daughter wasn’t affected by most of this lack of respect.  She continued to be herself and was wearing dresses for awhile until she realized she could be herself and wear shorts.  These horrible messages that I received from people that I thought would be supportive were disappointing.  They were sending a message to us that our daughter was not allowed to be herself.  She was supposed to pretend to be a boy.  Meanwhile this lack of acceptance can be really hard on my child and her family.  

On the positive side, her school supported her by changing her name & pronouns and allowing her to use the girl’s restroom.  There were a few friends who went out of their way to show support.  Another friend read a book to her daughters about transgender kids.  One family member tried using the correct name and pronoun and this did not stop them from showing unconditional love and acceptance.  Another much older family member couldn’t talk but still tried to understand about gender and showed love and acceptance.

My child is transgender whether or not I accept her.  Other parents taught me the importance of supporting your child, telling them that you are in their corner and that you love them unconditionally.  Whether or not your child is supported they are going to be themselves. You might as well support them, just like you would support them in other ways.  You would support them if they wanted to try a new sport, or were challenged academically.  With or without your support, your child is transgender or nonbinary.  You might as well tell them that you love them unconditionally and that you are doing your best to support them.  Sometimes, you may make a mistake and not use the right name or gender but that you are willing to learn.  That message will go far for them whether or not others support them.  One supportive adult is so important for these kids. 

My daughter has been a teacher of mine about gender in the last few years.  I grew up at a time where we didn’t discuss being gay.  It was after AIDS came out and there was shame associated with being gay.  She taught me that being authentic is the best way to be and that it’s not worth pretending to be a boy.  She was never excited about the boy clothes that I dressed her in.   She loved cars, construction vehicles and trains but that didn’t make her a boy.   In order to live your best life, you need to be yourself is what I learned from her.

When she came out as a girl, I did my research reading lots of books and talking with other parents of young transgender kids.  I realized then that the most important part is that I support her gender identity.  I may lose some family and friends in the process but her mental health was paramount to her well being.  Yes, today, there are still some struggles but if she socially transition and be a girl, I know that this would have severely affected her mental health.   Being yourself is a gift and being authentic.  Creating this space for my daughter allowed others to be authentic in their lives as well.  

And, what if she changes her mind?  This is a question I get a lot.  Well, if that happens I will still love her.  I love her regardless of her gender or sexual orientation.  I am grateful for my daughter being open with me about who she was.  I am grateful to the other families for sharing their stories and creating space for me to support her. And, I am grateful to those professionals who are on our side every day as experts in their field.