Big feelings
My fellow parents will probably agree that there can be big feelings about parenting a child who is transgender. I love my child but there is a social stigma about having a transgender child. People may think they are open minded and I certainly thought I was. I thought I accepted everyone. However, the journey of understanding gender was challenging for me at the beginning. I was taught that there are boys and girls. I wanted to support my daughter. However, my personal journey brought me to a new view of the world. I was taught as a kid that there’s no difference between the sex assigned at birth and gender. Then, I did my own work by educating myself and working through my own feelings.
I had questions at the beginning of my journey. “How does she know? Isn’t she too young to know who she is?” “Maybe it’s just a phase and she’ll outgrow it.” “Isn’t she just a gay boy? What will my family and friends think? What if they reject me and my family?” And, the biggest fear was “How can I protect this child? I’m terrified and I have no idea what I’m doing.” I’m sure other families can relate to these questions. This is the purpose of my blog. You are not alone. There is a community of parents that are with you on this journey.
I often meet families that tell me that their young child has told them that they are really a boy or a girl. In other words, when they were born, the doctor told the parents that they had a girl and when the baby grew up he told his parents that he was really a boy. A new book called Calvin was just published with this story line. Or, the parents were told that they had a baby boy but as the baby grew up she told her parents that she’s really a girl inside. Phoenix goes to school is a book about a transgender girl. These are two of my current favorite children’s books. These are great to teach young kids about gender. It’s important to provide them with characters that are going through something similar.
Parents do not know what to do with this information from their child. They may think about this information for awhile. Lots of people can get uncomfortable and think that we are talking about children and sex. We’re talking about gender which is quite different. They can blame the parents that they made their child into a different gender but I know better as a parent with a transgender child. There is nothing the parent did to make the child question their gender. For me, I dressed my daughter as a boy from birth and only gave her “boy” toys. I was okay that she dressed up in my high heels but I did not encourage it. I certainly did not want my child to be gay or transgender because of external prejudice.
You imagine a certain life with your child. From birth, a child’s future is being planned based on the sex assigned at birth. You painted it blue or pink for that child to grow up in the typically accepted color of their gender. You have blue for boys and pink for girls. Today these are the colors that are associated with those genders. You don’t even consider finding a gender neutral color. Why would you? You grew up knowing that there are boys and girls, only two genders. This is what happened to me.
When that child comes to tell you that she’s a girl, your whole world is turned upside down. First, you want to support the child. But, maybe it’s a phase, you think. You had ideas of how she was going to grow up and become a productive member of society. You thought you were raising a boy to be a gentleman and hold the door open for women. You think that he looks cute in a cap. You assume that he will be a certain kind of boy, cisgender. As he grows up you think, “okay, maybe I have a gay son.” “He likes wearing my heels, putting on makeup and walking around with his sister’s purse. That’s so cute but I’m open minded,” I tell myself. I am accepting and it will be okay. At that point, you may not know that this is about gender identity, not sexual orientation. This is common with parents that they see that the child may be in the LGBT community but that they think its about sexual orientation not gender identity. They think they have a gay child but the child is really transgender. Being gay is about who you like and gender identity is about who you know yourself to be inside.
When my child told me who she was, I said okay. But, inside, I was saying “What is this? I don’t even know what this means but I am here to support my child.” I thought for a long time that this child could be gay. I wanted to support my daughter but I didn’t understand. I knew it was a big deal and that things would change but I didn’t understand that this would change a lot of our life, friends, family and community. I knew this impact would affect my life. Because when one person is authentic it creates space for others to do the same. Her mental health came first and this seemed like an answer that was very important. Her being herself was critical to her mental health.
After speaking with lots of parents and professionals, I learned that I needed to follow my child’s lead. She said she was a girl and I supported her. I thought, maybe this explained some of the gender nonconforming behavior I saw at home. We changed her pronouns to she/her. She knew who she was and was consistent. There are other kids that will tell you who they are but pull back when they don’t feel supported. Kids often don’t want to disappoint their parents. And, kids are smart. If they don’t think that they will be supported, they may stop talking. It’s really important to really listen carefully to help them figure out themselves, regardless of how you feel about it. I never considered creating a space for them to explore, offer books about gender identity or specifically tell them, I love you if you are a boy, a girl, neither or both. But, I learned later that this is vital to their development. If these kids are not supported, it can seriously impact their mental health and development.
Being a righty or a lefty is just a difference like having blue or green eyes. It’s nothing that needs a value assigned to it. There is nothing wrong with having your left hand be dominant. Being a lefty is nothing to be ashamed of today in most countries. However, not long ago, people were not accepting of this difference. There was real shame in being a lefty for a long time and they were shunned. I hope that some day soon, having a transgender child will be similar and that the stigma will go away. You can blame the parents or the child. That’s a simple answer for something really complicated. Society has to change and acknowledge the mental health issues that we and our children live with daily. We need to set up systems and processes to really help these parents along with training everyone involved about gender. Being proactive in supporting these families will help improve our society.