Is my child transgender or nonbinary?
When my child told me that she was a girl, I wanted her to know that it was okay. I listened to what she was telling me and I acted as if I believed her. However, inside, I had lots of questions. How do I know that she’s really a girl? How will my family, neighbors and community react? Will she have friends? And, most important, how do I keep her safe? These questions went on and on. And, I was terrified. I had to live in the day and not allow my fears to take over.
Is my child gender non-conforming, transgender or nonbinary? This is the million dollar question. You may see that your child is gravitating to clothes or toys that are not typical of their gender (gender non-conforming). Maybe your son loves to dress up in dresses and high heels and tells you that he wants to be a girl. Maybe your daughter loves construction toys and says that she’s a boy. Maybe your son loves to put on makeup or your daughter wants to have very short “boy” hair. How do you know that this child is transgender? You only know if they tell you.
Growing up, my child was interested in typical “boy” toys like cars, trains and construction vehicles. So when she told me that she was a girl, I was surprised and had no idea what this meant. I wanted to be a supportive mom but I did not know what to do. I don’t mean that I didn’t have hints along the way. She wasn’t happy about any of her typical “boy” clothes. She loved wearing my heels and putting on my makeup. She liked cars and trains and wasn’t interested in dress up or princesses. (Maybe I didn’t offer this to her because I thought she was a boy.) She never asked for a dress or a skirt. I thought maybe I have a gay son and maybe she’s too young to know that she’s a girl. I was really hoping at that moment that my son was gay. I could handle her being gay more than being transgender. I thought that I had a boy who liked these “girly” things. I got confused between gender expression, sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender expression is how you look on the outside in terms of dressing, makeup, etc. Gender identity is who you are inside your mind and heart. Sexual orientation is who you like.
My husband and I supported our daughter in socially transitioning. She changed her name, pronouns and clothes. She started looking and being treated like a girl. It made her so happy. Since she was pre-puberty, there was nothing else to do for her. Pre-puberty children only have a social transition with no medical intervention needed until they start puberty. Often, I would check in with my daughter to make sure she wanted to be seen as a girl.
The quick answer to whether your child is transgender or nonbinary is “follow their lead.” They know who they are or are exploring it. They will listen for your cues to see if you show them acceptance. Act like you believe them even though you may be having a hard time inside. Work out how you feel privately with other parents or a knowledgeable therapist or friend. Build support for yourself through parent group that support parents with transgender kids. It’s not your child’s responsibility to teach you about transgender. Educate yourself. My daughter will say that she taught me about transgender. She’s correct but I also did my own reading and speaking to other parents. I wanted to make sure that she would be as mentally healthy as possible.
If your child is saying that they are really a girl, offer them some “girl” clothes, hair accessories, dress up or toys. If they are a boy, offer them “boy” clothes, a haircut or some “boy” toys. Ask them what clothes they need to be themselves. Ask them what pronouns they want you to use or if they want to change their name. I do want to note that there are many kids that keep their given name. There are lots of girls with unisex names and some boys with girl names. It’s becoming more acceptable to cross the gender barrier. However, a lot of the time, transgender kids want names that are typical girl or boy names.
Listen to your child. Tell them that you love them, it’s okay to be themselves with you and that you are a team. The important message is that you are accepting them as they are and that they can be themselves with you. You may not have all the answers but you are willing to learn. I think that kids understand our intentions but that you need to be clear and tell them this directly. “My intention is to support you. I may not have all the answers but I’m willing to learn. You can be yourself with me.” Kids don’t want to disappoint their parents and lose their parent’s love. They may retreat from living their truth if they feel they won’t be supported and allowed to be themselves. And, with that decision it impacts their development.
I have met parents who say that they are accepting of LGBT people but when their child tells them that they are really a girl inside, they don’t say anything more to the child. They expect their child to understand that they are accepting of transgender people. This child needs to be told that you are in their court, and on their side. The child needs a clear message that they can be themselves with you and that you will go on this journey with them. They need to know that whatever they do, you will always love them. You actually need to say, “I love you always whether you are a boy, a girl, both or neither. It’s okay to be yourself.”
Unconditional love is what every child wants and these young children need to hear that message when they are brave enough to share their true gender identity. Your child is who they are whether you accept them or not. There are many things that are out of our control and are just luck, like having brown or blue eyes or being righty or lefty. These are examples of the beauty of nature. This is out of our control and a part of our genetic makeup.
Whether my child is cisgender (agrees with their sex assigned at birth) or transgender (disagrees with their sex assigned at birth) is out of my control as well. Some people think that this is something that the parent does to make the child be transgender. I wish that my child had the priviledge of being born cisgender. I wish my daughter was born in a typical girl’s body and that she didn’t have to face internal angst or external prejudice. She is a beautiful part of the rainbow of humanity.
My first suggestion is to educate yourself about gender identity. Go to the library to take out books. Talk with other parents who have been through this in person or online. Since my child was brave enough to tell me her truth, I read everything I could to educate myself. After speaking with many professionals, I realized that the people who really understood this are the parents with the transgender kids. I read parenting books, memoirs of parents with transgender children and memoirs of transgender people. I love my child for who she is. She is brave to be herself in a world that is not accepting. She is brave to live her truth and I will support her. I love her because of her strength and courage to speak her truth and be herself.
Another suggestion is to get kids’ books about gender so that your child can be validated by seeing other kids like themselves. Visibility is huge for young transgender children by helping them make sense of who they are. It shows them other transgender and gender non-conforming children. My current favorites are A boy named Penelope, Neither, Calvin, Phoenix Goes to School and My Shadow is Pink. These books explain gender identity and gender non-conforming to young kids in a straightforward manner. Give your kids an opportunity to be themselves at home and see what happens. In my case, when my daughter tried on a skirt for the first time, her whole face lit up. When she started to be seen as a girl, she was so happy.
Other questions include what happens if my child decides she is not a girl or a boy? What if she is both or neither? What if she changes back? As long as there are no permanent physical changes, nothing is lost. So what if your daughter tells you she’s a boy and months later says she wants to be a girl again? It’s okay. No permanent changes.
I wanted my child to be healthy and happy but I didn’t want extra challenges for her. No parent says “I hope that my child will have many challenges in her life and that she is a part of a small vulnerable minority.” I was terrified when I realized that this was the truth because I feared for her safety. This is not an easy journey. In order for you to have a mentally healthy child, you need to create space for that child to be themselves. This journey affects their mental health, and yours. There are a lot of mental health issues that arise from these children pretending to be someone they are not. Listen and believe your children. Follow their lead.