Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union

I recently watched Dwyane Wade’s candid talk about supporting his transgender daughter.  He and Gabrielle Union are supporting their daughter and are “following her lead” just like the professionals say to do. Some people think that gender is something parents can control.  I say that I can barely get my children to clean up their rooms.  How would I be able to influence them to be someone they are not?  It’s the same as being born left-handed in that there is no parental influence that can change the essence of someone’s gender identity.  I can’t turn my son into my daughter or vice versa.

When my daughter was younger, I dressed her as a boy according to the gender I thought she was (sex assigned at birth).  I gave her trucks, trains, cars and other “boy” things.  I saw that as she grew up she tried on my heels, put on my makeup and did other “girly” things.  I thought I had a gay son and I was okay with that.  I thought that liking “girly” things made him gay.  I thought I was being accepting of my child and that it would be okay.  Is this what I wanted for my child to have extra challenges in being accepted by society?  No, but I figured this is who he is.

When my child told me she was a girl, she taught me about being transgender.  When she tried on a skirt for the first time, there was a glow in her face that I hadn’t seen before.   When her outside started to match her inside,  I saw how happy she was and I was happy for her.  There was a huge smile on her face and confidence in her body.  Until then, I dressed her in the cutest “boy” outfits, but she wasn’t excited about wearing these “boy” clothes and didn’t care what clothes she wore because she wasn’t a boy.  

The second point Dwyane made was that he and Gabrielle Union reached out for resources to help them understand what their daughter may be going through.  They reached out to POSE, a show with transgender actors.  There are lots of resources out there to support you and your child including GLSEN, PFLAG and Gender Diversity Training.  

I am so happy to see another celebrity supporting their daughter.   This creates awareness for other families going through this that it’s acceptable to allow your children to socially transition by changing their name, gender and clothing.  This shows unconditional love to your child that they can be themselves.  You may not understand everything but you are with them on this journey.  You don’t have to understand, you just have to love them.

However, there are two points I want to note.  This is not sexual orientation.  Sexual orientation is who you like and this is about gender identity or who you are inside.   It’s not that their daughter likes a girl, she’s told them that she is a girl.  She’s a girl because of what her mind and heart tell her she is not because of what the doctor noted on her birth certificate. Sexual orientation is who you love.  Gender identity is who you are as a person.

The second point is once a transgender person has socially transitioned, they may not want their previous name shared or the fact that they are transgender.  This is private.  If this information is shared it can endanger them.  It is extremely important that this information be kept private and should not be shared with any other people unless necessary.  

As I grew up, I didn’t speak about gay or transgender issues with friends or family.  I grew up in a time that AIDS was not spoken about, only in whispers.  I grew up thinking that there are only boys and girls.  I didn’t understand that sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same things.   None of this was real to me until that moment that my daughter put on a skirt.  I started to understand that what I was taught growing up may not have been accurate.  I learned that there are cisgender women and men who agree with their sex assigned at birth.  They were born and the doctor said “It’s a boy!” and they grew up to be a man. There are transgender women and men who don’t agree with their sex assigned at birth.  When the doctor said “It’s a boy!”, the child grew up and knows that they are really a girl.  Or, vice versa.  And, there are nonbinary people and that for them their gender is something different.  They may feel like both a man and a woman or neither.  

Dwayne and Gabrielle are following their daughter’s lead. That is what new parents need to do according to professionals.  If you are lucky enough that your child shares their gender, listen and believe them.  They may say to you “I want to be a boy when I grow up.”  Or, they say, “I am a girl inside.”  Ask them what they need to feel like a boy or a girl.  Maybe they want different clothes or a new name or pronoun.  Follow their lead and get support from our larger community of parents.  

None of this is meant to say that you don’t  have feelings.  Those feelings should be shared with other parents or professionals who get this.  I was terrified at the beginning of my journey.  I had to decide that my child’s mental health was more important than what society or my community thought of us.  I put my daughter’s mental well being primary to our journey.  Whether people accept her or not, I have no control over.  This is her journey but we’re doing this together.

You are not doing this alone.  I remember how overwhelmed I was at the beginning of our journey as a family. For me, this was really difficult.  But, I met amazing parents that were showing unconditional love to their children and accepting them for who they are.  No parent wants their child to have extra challenges.  I wish that my kid was not part of this most vulnerable community that experiences prejudices.  But, I’ve become a better person by understanding that there is a rainbow of gender identity.  My child taught me that being authentic is the only way to be and I will always be grateful to her for this gift.

Here’s the link to the video mentioned above where Dwyane speaks with Ellen DeGeneres.

https://youtu.be/AG9-Q6UabfQ