Transgender children
Before my daughter told me she was a girl, I knew nothing about gender identity. I grew up in a time that no one I knew spoke about sexual orientation or gender identity. I had a gay friend in high school but we never discussed that he was gay. AIDS was around and no one talked about it.
A few years earlier than my daughter’s declaration, a friend posted that her daughter is transgender. I thought it was courageous and I never thought I’d go through the same journey. I started life believing that there are only boys and girls that it’s based on physical anatomy. Then, my child told me that she was a girl. This blog is about my journey. I wanted to support her but I had no idea what it meant. I reached out to the only mom I knew and asked her all my questions. I was hoping that maybe she was just a gay boy. I was scared and I wanted to support her but I knew that this was major and that we may get a lot of flack for supporting her.
I went through a time where I learned a lot about gender identity. When I asked my friend all my questions, she added me to a secret parent group. These parents knew more than the medical professionals that were not trained in gender. For three months straight, all I did was read about gender identity. I read memoirs of transgender people, and books about parenting transgender children. I spoke with many parents. I realized that we were a part of a community that supports their children. They put their child’s needs first and ahead of the challenges they faced with their extended family, schools and medical establishments. Because their mental health comes first. This is advice from professionals to follow the children’s needs. Their needs come first.
Many in the medical community have outdated ideas about gender identity. I’ve been told by a doctor at a major medical hospital in the area that I shouldn’t let her play with girl toys or wear girl clothes. I don’t have the power to stop my child from being herself. I saw the look on her face the first time she wore a skirt. There was a light in her face that I hadn’t seen before. I was validating her inner being and there was raw joy. Any parent knows that there is a struggle with children to get them to listen. You can barely get a child to follow simple instructions let alone convince them that they are a different gender.
The medical community hasn’t been trained about gender identity. There are outdated ideas that you can stop a child from being a girl or a boy just by not allowing them gender non-conforming clothing or toys. From the young age of 2 to 5, children can know who they are but may not have the words to explain themselves. They can know that they are a girl or a boy just like they were raised. Or, they can be transgender and know that they are a different gender than what people think. When adults around don’t support these children and allow their exploration, they don’t just become the gender identity that was assigned to them at birth. They become children who are confused about their gender identity and lose trust of the adults in their life. They are themselves with or without your support. Children become girls, boys or nonbinary children based on their heart and mind, not based on their body or sex assigned at birth.
When a child is born a lefty she will be a lefty whether you force her to use her right hand or allow her to use her left hand. Either way, you have no control over which hand she uses. If your child was a lefty, would you try to force them to be a righty? Gender is similar. As a parent, you need to follow their lead and listen to them. This is what the professionals have told us. Our children want you to love them regardless of their gender and they are scared to tell you because they fear they will lose your love and are willing to pretend to make you happy. This affects their mental health and their development.
I want to support my child but I had no idea what it meant. I decided to educate myself through books, the internet, and other parents. She was patient when I kept asking her about who she was. I am sure that I drove her crazy. I wanted to make sure that she was persistent, consistent and insistent. It is the general thought that you need to follow a child’s lead. Follow what the child is telling you about who they are. Looking back, this may not have been the right strategy. I should have looked more to others to explain, not my child. I wasn’t sure at the beginning if this was gender expression or gender identity. The first is about how you present yourself to others by hair and clothing. The second is about your inside core, your identity related to gender.
Why are pronouns and names important? For part of their life, transgender people were assumed to be one gender when really they were a different gender. Just using the correct pronouns and name has a huge positive effect on transgender people by improving their mental health. As a mother, I want my child to be healthy, including her mental health. By affirming who she is, this helps tremendously. Listen to your kids and follow their lead. This identity is coming from her. This is who she is.
In a medical establishment, due to negative experiences, transgender people may not go to a doctor unless its an emergency. They have had so many negative experiences that they would prefer to avoid medical establishments. When people’s correct name and gender are not used it creates distrust that is hard to regain. This is an area where doctors and medical establishments can be proactive. They can get training to be able to create a positive, welcoming environment for their transgender patients. They can create systems and processes that are conducive to supporting this community to show them respect and consideration. The transgender community deserves to be in an environment that sees them for who they are.